


'Cause he's stronger than you know, a heart of steel starts to grow

by lighteningboltfanatic



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Eddie Diaz Loves Evan "Buck" Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley Loves Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24784366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lighteningboltfanatic/pseuds/lighteningboltfanatic
Summary: After everything, Buck is still struggling to get a handle on his life and his feelings.He thinks maybe everyone still hates him.Is he wrong?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Male Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 246





	'Cause he's stronger than you know, a heart of steel starts to grow

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Superheroes by The Script

Sometimes, Buck found himself missing his family. His family before he pulled the stupid lawsuit. They said they forgave him, and they acted relatively normal, but did they really? Or were they just saying it to make him feel better? 

Buck was scared, he'll be the first to admit it. He's scared of showing them too much of himself and them all leaving. Even before the lawsuit he was terrified of that happening, but something happened after the lawsuit, something clicked and he just began to feel more and more terrified. 

_ You're exhausting.  _

He's worked so hard at building a family and he's worked so hard at making himself better, worthy of this family that he's found. He groans so much from that snot-nosed kid who was a real idiot, but maybe he’s still that stupid kid. He likes to think he’s groan though, become better than he was. He can't help it, however, to feel like he will never be worthy of them or their love. 

At work, he's fine, for the most part. He can act like he's fine and usually he is, for the most part. Nothing is wrong and he can act like he isn't plagued by worries 24/7. Most of the time, he is actually okay at work. It's easier, surrounded by people he loves and distractions. The second he steps into his apartment, however, he no longer has any distractions.   
  
The tv doesn't help and sleeping is near impossible anymore. He thinks about calling Eddie more times than he can count but ultimately leaves his phone upstairs and just paces downstairs every single time.    
  
The thought of calling Eddie makes him feel worse and the ability to eat goes out the window as he stomach turns sour and drinking even the tiniest bit of water also makes his stomach upset and turn uneasily so there really is no winning. 

He can't sleep, he can't sit still, he can’t eat. All he can do is think. 

He misses Chris and Eddie. He still sees them, of course. He sees Eddie every day and they talk every single day at work or Eddie calls him and texts him, just like they had before but Buck can't help but feel like something is different. He doesn't know what but...something. 

_ You're exhausting. _

Buck doesn’t initiate anymore. The fear stops him, freezes his thumbs from clicking against his phone. He waits for the first text or the phone to ring. He never calls first or texts first, not anymore. 

_ You’re exhausting.  _

Buck sighs as he drops his keys on the kitchen table, practically fingering his brain as he digs his fingers into his eyes. 

It was just another shift. Ever since the lawsuit ended he's been picking up a lot of extra shifts, just saying he needs the money to off bills whenever anyone asks but, in reality, he just needs the distraction. He needs the distractions from his stupid, pitiful life. 

He hates his apartment. 

It feels like a prison, and a painful reminder. Every time he walks in, his skin feels itchy and his throat goes dry, and it's so fucking quiet. It’s quiet even with the tv blaring or his favourite music assaulting his eardrums. It’s always so quiet. Because he's alone. At work, he has distractions in both his work and his family. He's surrounded by people he genuinely loves and who he would do anything for, but when he goes home, he's alone. It’s just him and his empty, quiet apartment and his loud, intrusively annoying thoughts. He has no one to keep him from falling deep into his mind, no one to keep him afloat. He's all alone. 

For a while, he thought he had Eddie and Chris, but then he had to go and fuck it up. 

_ You're exhausting.  _

Now he has no one. 

It's been months since the lawsuit, everyone's moved on, or at least they say that they have, so why can't he? Why can’t he let go? Why can’t it just be fine? Maybe because it isn’t fine, not to Buck at least. He regrets that stupid lawsuit so much. He regrets everything these days. 

He sighs heavily, his body dropping against his couch. His body doesn't even feel like his anymore. It feels borrowed. His hands don’t feel like his and his eyes don’t see as his eyes would. His leg bounces uncontrollably and his hands shake as they grip white-knuckled against his knees. The tv plays a Harry Potter marathon and he sees it but he can't focus on it for the life of him. 

_ What if they don't ever forgive you?  _

_ You're exhausting.  _

_ What if Maddie leaves again?  _

_ What if Chris hates you?  _

_ What if Eddie despises you? _

_ You’re exhausting.  _

_ You’re exhausting! _

"Shut up!" He can't help but yell out loud as he springs to his feet, body practically vibrating and suddenly he’s running out the door before his brain can even process what's happening. 

His feet pound against the concrete and it's pouring rain and he can barely see until he's outside a house he vaguely remembers from his early adult years. 

"Buck? What are you doing here?" He looks around before ultimately looking up and seeing Cameron, jumping down from the roof. "Aren't you working?" Cameron shakes his head, waving arms in an obvious gesture before pulling Buck inside. "It's my off weekend." Buck just nods absentmindedly. 

"Athena called earlier. She said you were acting weird when she saw you." His voice is hushed until they get into the basement so Buck can only assume that everyone's sleeping. "I saw Athena?" He really doesn't remember. Was it at a call? He wills himself to remember and eventually comes up with the hazy memories from the domestic disturbance earlier that day. That must've been it. "Right...I saw Athena." He looks away from his hands and is faced not with concern and pity like he would expect from anyone else, but with understanding. 

"You take your meds?" He nods but it's he’s not actually sure if he did. 

His head doesn’t feel like his. 

"They haven't been helping since…" He trails off, the words choking him but by Cameron's face, he knows exactly what he's talking about. 

The stupid fucking Tsunami. 

"Yeah. I had to get my meds changed a ton when I got back, and that definitely didn’t help." Buck nods, staring at the curves of Cameron's hands as they mimic each other, bouncing knees and tapping fingers. 

"Did you take my advice? Talk to them?" Buck shakes his head, licking his lips but his mouth doesn't even feel like his. Their his hands, his eyes, his feet, his ears...but they don't feel like his.

"They...we...it's never gonna be the same." Buck's standing now, unable to sit any longer. "Feelings, not facts." 

Buck wants to punch Cameron. Despite being right, he really wants to punch him. 

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Cameron laughs, waving him to continue and he kind of explodes. 

"I love them! And I just wanted to get back to them but…they hate me, even if they say they forgive me, I know they don't." Cameron hums in that stupid understanding calm thing he does. "So your Charles Xavier then? Suddenly got the ability to read minds?" Buck stubbornly bites out a, "maybe," which earns a laugh from the taller man as he stands to his feet, staying in his spot instead of coming towards Buck. "You don't know how they feel, Buck and until you actually talk to them, you never will." Buck thumbs his eyes, breathing out heavily and it feels tight, like four anvils stacked upon his chest. 

"Just...Eddie." Cameron stays silent, obviously waiting for more than two words. "We were...we were something and then I fucked it up." Cameron reaches forward with his stupid long arms, pulling Buck until he's next to him and they both sit back down.

“Do you know how much I fucked up with Ryan, a lot. Hell, I punched him for god’s sake. It doesn’t matter though because we love each other.” Buck stays silent, surveying his friend who stretches, coughing slightly as he does. "You know I don't know Eddie, but I do know you, and I know you know what to do." That's the thing, Buck knows what he has to do, he just really doesn't want to. 

"Talk to him." 

Cameron nods, tapping himself on his nose. "Bingo." 

He pauses, standing up and striding forward a bit. "But right now you need to relax so movie time?" It's not the same without Chris but he nods. 

And tomorrow he'll talk to Eddie. 

He doesn't talk to Eddie. 

He was going to, he swears, but then everyone was sleeping in the bunks and he was still up, drinking his third or fourth cup of coffee. 

_ What if he talks to Eddie and Eddie no longer feels the same way?  _ _   
_ _ What if Eddie never felt the same way and he just felt obligated because of the Tsunami?  _ _   
_ _ What if Eddie screams at him? _ _   
_ _ What if Eddie punches him?  _

_ What if Eddie never lets him see Christopher ever again? _

Of course, he spiralled and by the time they were up and at the next call, his courage to talk to Eddie was all gone. Well until he was off of shift. 

He was just not watching tv again, holding but not drinking a glass of water, and as Frozen comes on, his mind drifts to the Diaz's. The two people he loves more than anything. The two people he misses more than anything. The two people he would give everything he had for. The two people he would die for. 

So naturally, he spirals for almost three hours and then runs to Eddie's house, because who the hell needs cars anymore when you can just anxiously run everywhere in the middle of the night. 

He bangs on Eddie's door, quieter the second time when he realizes Chris may be asleep because, in reality, he has zero idea what time it is.    
When he got home it had been almost ten but who knows how long he sat, sinking deeply into his troublesome thoughts. 

Eddie opens up after his third round of knocking, eyebrows furrowed in confusion when he sees Buck. 

"Hey man, come in." Eddie steps aside almost immediately and Buck looks around anxiously, hands shaking in their clutched fists at his sides. 

_ You're exhausting.  _

Buck nearly runs for the hills but Eddie must sense something because he grabs Buck's arm, eyes warm and worried and it turns Buck's stomach even more than usual and if it wasn’t for the grounding warmth from Eddie’s hand, Buck’s sure he would’ve blown chunks everywhere. 

"So what's going-" Before Eddie can finish, Buck blurts out, "I'm sorry!" Eddie furrows his eyebrows in tight confusion. "For?" Buck breaths out knives and inhales nails. 

"The lawsuit.” Eddie opens his mouth to say something but Buck has been holding this in for so long, “I know you said that you forgave me but we...we were going somewhere and then we stopped and I miss you. I miss you a lot and I really like you and I miss you." Eddie stares at me, surprisingly nonchalant until he bursts into laughter. "Buck. I've been inviting you over and on dates for months. It's been completely open from my side.  _ You’ve  _ kept turning me down." Now that confuses Buck straight to his core. Eddie's been asking him out? When? 

He gets almost movie like flashbacks thrust into his head, of Eddie asking him out in person, call and text, and every time Buck made up some excuse, too afraid to face Eddie for fear Eddie would change his mind. 

"Jesus." Buck's knees buckle but Eddie guides him over to the couch and Buck realizes he's seen nor heard any sign of Chris despite his definitely-not-quiet near-meltdown. 

"Chris?" His face must show the worry he's feeling inside because Eddie grabs his arm, anchoring him in a way Buck thinks only Eddie can do. "Spending the night at Hen's." Buck breaths out in relief. 

"I love you, Buck." Buck's eye’s widened and he's surprised that he doesn’t get whiplash from how fast his head spins to look at Eddie. "W...what?" Eddie nods, smiling softly with his puppy dog eyes full of love. 

"I love you, Evan William Buckley. I've only been waiting for you." And Buck can't move fast enough in slamming their lips together, something he's been wanting to do for two months. "I...I love you, Edmundo Ramon Diaz." Eddie laughs when they finally pull away, Buck's head smushed against his shoulder. 

"Well, that's good." 


End file.
